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Don't Date Buddhists With Guns
Mid-life meet-ups with sex addiction, insanity & spiritual growth.

Don't Date Buddhists With Guns

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5 Steps to Overcoming Dead Dreams, Dashed Hopes & Disappointments

December 4th in Antidepressposts [ 1 Comment ]

(1) Denial.

DenialPretend it never happened. You did not get the diagnosis. She did not break up with you. The sheriff isn’t going to escort you from your foreclosed home. If you read enough self-help, you learn that it’s not what is happening in your life that matters; it is what you believe about what is happening that makes it true. Simply choose to believe that, no matter what it looks like, all is well. This approach is not for the weak of mind or spirit. And though it has its upsides, extreme cases may lead to incarceration, institutionalization, and in extreme cases, premature death. But in the end, what difference does it make? It’s not like anyone gets out of this gig alive anyway, and your unwavering denial will spare you a whole lot of unnecessary worry and stress. But if denial is too peace love and groovy for you, perhaps instead you should…

(2) Blame others.

There is an alarming new trend that requires that we take responsibility for what we have made of our lives, when it is so clearimages that the true culprits of our failures often range from the toxic influences of large corporate, government and religious institutions, to the ineptitude of the insensitive, incompetent, and/or controlling individuals who prevent us from getting what we want and need. There is always time to take stock of how you might have participated in the demise of your cherished goal—but for now, make a list of all the people, places and circumstances that have undermined your success. Do not forget to include the impact of any negative astrological influences during the period of your profound disappointment. When the list is complete, make a promise to yourself that you will have NOTHING to do with any of the institutions, people, places, or planetary alignments that sabotaged your success EVER again—even if it means you have to live alone in a cave in Afganistan.  Or take your list and…

(3) Seek revenge

Years ago, I had the pleasure of entertaining the young sons of a friend. Boys love lizards, snakes, rodents, and bugs, so I took them to the East Bay Vivarium, a place that sells such creatures. Set among the displays of terrifying creepy-crawlers, there was an aquarium full of scorpions.I asked the pierced, tattooed, spiky-haired sales clerk if the staff ever worried that someone images-3might purchase these poisonous pets to let loose in the house of a foe. Without missing a beat, she said, “Oh, there are much better ways to seek revenge.” She then suggested that I purchase their inventory of pregnant Madagascar hissing cockroaches and slip them through the mail slot of this person I wanted to torment, advising me that once the eggs were dropped, my unsuspecting rival would be forever deluged with both the bugs and their terrorizing hisses. Before I had a chance to explain that I had no victim in mind, she suggested I might also purchase a bag of frozen, baby mice and shove them deep in the crevices of this person’s car windshield, where the wipers are stored. “They’ll thaw and rot and put off a gawdawful stench that they’ll never get rid of,” she snickered. Later, when the boys and I met up with their mom, in a timid whisper, the little one asked her why I was such a mean person. Alas, why to I tell you this long story? (1) It contains some revenge suggestions that aren’t widely known to the general public, and (2) It’s an opportunity to WARN YOU to give serious consideration before launching any vicious attack campaign. Revenge may be sweet, but evil tactics such as those noted above may invoke this thing called “KARMA,” that could set something in motion that may come hissing its way back to you in a scary, smelly way. So instead I suggest you…

(4) Grieve with gusto.

Publically and passionately revel in your pain. Stop trying to act normal, mature, or reasonable when, YOUR DREAM ISimages-4DEAD! YOUR HOPES ARE DASHED! YOU’VE BEEN REJECTED! I don’t care if it is un-American to grieve: you MUST embrace the horror of your loss.  Sob openly and uncontrollably whenever any song, billboard, or scent triggers a memory that leaves a nasty sting in your heart. Drive along dark, desertedhighways and scream endlessly until your throat is as raw as hamburger. Whine to friends, complain to coworkers, and when the hostess at the restaurant asks, “How are you?” TELL HER THE TRUTH. Make sure everyone knows how devastated you are. Your obsessive love affair with your own despair will alienate you from anyone and everyone you come into contact with, including yourself. Like all of those whom you have repelled with your self-pity, you will grow so bored with it, you’ll decide to simply turn your attention elsewhere. But what if you still can’t seem to move on?

(5) Have a Massive Pity Party and Move On

images-6We’ve all heard of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and her famous stages of grief, right? (If not, check Wikipedia, but note…it’s not as simple as waving a wand .) The point being, when you have to get over something, you spend an exhaustive amount of time running on the hamster wheel of pain, repeating thoughts, ideas, complaints, and arguments against what already happened- WHAT ALREADY IS. That’s just nuts, right? Nuts, but oh so human. And trying to stop these thoughts it much like trying to stop diarrhea. (I’ll say no more.) But at some point you realize this circular path is getting you nowhere. Your only hope for escape is to leap off—take an entirely new direction. And this great leap is what will lead you to the easy-breezy tropical Island of Acceptance. We know it is nice there. It’s the place where we can shrug our shoulders, say the magic mantra (“Oh Well”) and be free. So why, oh why, do we keep crawling back onto the hamster wheel? Cemetery Mary does not know why it is so hard to let go of dead dreams, dashed hopes, failed relationships, pain, or obsessive thoughts of the past, however I will suggest a powerful ritual that will entice you to move on. Gather friends for a kick-ass funeral party, publicly declare it is time to put it to rest, dump your junk in a coffin, and see if that doesn’t help lighten your load. Too much trouble? I’ll handle it for you. Just check this out.

R.I.P. Oprah Winfrey Show

November 20th in Antidepressposts [ 2 Comments ]

OprahO! Oprah is throwing in the towel after 25 years of rockin-and-rollin’ the TV network with everything from the much maligned car giveaway (not maligned by those receiving wheels mind you) to boosting the love of literature with her book club. And how many of us big dreamers have had her face on OUR VISION BOARDS so we could BE ON HER SHOW? And what about that famous author (I can’t remember his name) who scoffed at her invitation to be part of her book club? Did he not want his book to be read by the masses? Is that not why he wrote it?

If I still scoffed, I would scoff at him.

People confuse me.

But Oprah’s decision doesn’t.

Now we can all relax our own goal of being on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Goal free living is really so much easier. (Please note: I know many don’t share the goal of being on Oprah, no need to explain. Cemetery Mary buried that desire publicly at last year’s funeral. But I’d be telling a big fat lie if I said I wouldn’t leap at the chance to sit on the couch with her, on or off TV, just for a chat and a cuddle.)

Recently a radio voice came to me (from the radio, not from the speakers in my head) and said: “Enlightenment comes easier if you have no goals or preferences.” It comes when anything and everything that happens is accepted.

Per my friend Tess, this is called “Radical Acceptance” and is now my new religion.

We accept this good decision Oprah. May you find more peace, fun and frolic in the tiny break you give yourself before launching the new talk show on your cable network. No doubt it will be full of the spiritual inspiration you have been gravitating toward. (Though I did like your recent show on why millions of women are watching porn too.)

I love me some Oprah.

Rest in peace and acceptance,

Cemetery Mary

RELAX. No Pressure, mon…

October 21st in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

RelaxThis lifted right from Seth Godin’s blog:

Diablo Cody on the pressure to outdo herself:

So what kind of pressure did you feel, post-Juno, to write something good?

I don’t believe you.
Seriously. How could I possibly? The experience that I had with Juno is something I could never replicate, ever. First of all, you never have your first baby again. Second, the whole production was really charmed from start to finish. I mean, every moment of it was special. And then it culminated in Oscar nominations…I’m so fortunate that I got to have that experience. Now I almost feel this great calm coming over me. I’d be feeling a lot more pressure if I was still striving for that goal.

Sometimes, the work is the work and the goal isn’t to top what you did yesterday. Doing justice to the work is your task, not setting a world record.

Of course I like this because Cemetery Mary has been so busy doing nothing with regards to writing her new book about turning crap into compost. Instead, she is composting, making a living at a day job, walking in the cemetery, eating chocolate, taking pole dancing classes, baking cookies, making whoopie with the new squeeze, visiting the prodigy, nieces and nephews, and lifting wisdom from other peoples blogs.

I like this feeling…the one where one relaxes from the activity of driving goals and getting overly ambitious. It makes it easier to breathe.

All News, No Blues – New Online Publication to Celebrate

October 20th in Antidepressposts [ 2 Comments ]

happyI know the beloved (by me anyway) Barbara Ehrenreich has just come out with a book trashing the trend toward positive thinking, and she has a point or two or, shoot, even more, to make on this topic (get and read her book). Cemetery Mary, too, is all about embracing the dark side on the way to finding the light (a seed has to have its time to be buried alive, afterall, before bursting into life)…but come on, what is the media obsession with ridiculously depressing news? That’s why I declare the Crap Into Compost Hall of Famer this week to be…All News, No Blues, a publication that captures the weird and wonderful stuff going on right here in my section of the planet. Please check it out here.

How do you decide when to decide? Relax and read…

October 20th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

ThinkingPlease read this post by my friend Tosha. It reminds us that when it’s time to make a decision, we will. But sometimes we need to ask that somehow, someone, or something show us the way…

What the hell? The Secret Didn't Work!

October 8th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

imagesThank you Lori at Lori’s reading corner for helping me explain how The Secret didn’t work.

5 Tips to Turn Life's Crap Into Compost

October 6th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

Thank you to Caridad Pineiro, NYT Bestselling author who has graciously posted Cemetery Mary’s tips to transforming life’s crap into compost.

What would you do with your days on Death Row?

September 29th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

Below is the extraordinary story of Jarvis Jay Masters and his SECOND published book, coming straight out of San Quentin’s death row. He wins the prize for turning life’s crap into compost, because in addition to this gripping tale of loss and redemption, I know there is a love story in his life…and soon enough we will be reading about that. Please: Buy this book:

41826830jpgThat Bird Has My Wings

Editor’s Note: An inmate at San Quentin since he was 19, JARVIS JAY MASTERS was moved to death row in 1990 (for alleged participation in the killing of a prison guard). Masters converted to Buddhism several years later and has inspired leaders in the American Buddhist community to support his appeal for relase. While in prison he wrote and published one book, Finding Freedom, as well as many articles which have appeared mostly in newspapers and Buddhist magazines. In 1992, Masters won a PEN Award for his poem, “Recipe for Prison Pruno.” Based on the lack of substantial evidence for Masters participation in the murder, in April 2008 the California Supreme Court ordered an evidentiary hearing, and Masters’ attorneys believe his conviction will be overturned within the year.

This note about his new book is written by author Jarvis-Jay-Masters

…To answer the question on how I came to write this book, the truth is, had I known it would be a book, I might not have ever written it. But as it turned out, I came to a point in my life where I thought I could secretly yet honestly look at myself, and all the past writing I had done about my life and hear my own voice. I just wanted to feel what the earliest memories of my life had felt like all over again, for example, the hurting, the isolation, my siblings and I being taken away from our parents and placed into foster care. It was these kinds of scattered memories that I sat with, unfolding, many times painfully, that eventually evolved into this book.

In a strange way though, the deeper I delved into unearthing these memories that poured out of the thin insert of my ball point pen filler, the fear I felt was not so much of what I might have to confront in these memories. The fear was more and more, and more of prison authorities coming into my cell and confiscating all of my writing which increasingly had become no less than the unfolding story of my whole life’s journey.

The title of the book, That Bird Has My Wings, actually comes from a true story. One day in the prison exercise yard I found myself saving a seagull’s life from the senseless violence of a fellow prisoner. The bird symbolized my deeply held desire to be free. But it also symbolized how far I’ve come to reclaiming that sense of belonging, and to realizing I have wings and a fate, and neither belongs to San Quentin! Whenever I see a bird flying over the prison, I just feel closer to what it really took for me to write this memoir. The act of writing helps me find no less a freedom than that which we all desire. Even for just a little while, it’s a freedom I dream about and one day hope to have. That bird remains my inspiration.

I have been so blessed to have this book published by HarperOne and I am grateful to the many43936151jpg wonderful and caring people that helped to make it happen. It continues to be a very humbling experience to see this memoir become a real book. In a very personal way, I feel a great sense of accomplishment that I have achieved something more than I ever thought possible. It is humbling and yet, it is an honor beyond imagination. More than anything though, it affirms for me that my life and the lives of so many all throughout this book do matter! That’s what comes up for me the most, this fact that everyone of us matter.

Editorial Reviews

“In this polished tale that belies the author’s raw origins, Masters, who has been imprisoned on San Quentin’s death row since 1990 . . . recalls the neglect, abuse and cycle of crime and hopelessness that relegated him to prison by age 19.” (Publishers Weekly )

A heartbreaking memoir; the brutal conditions of Masters’s boyhood will be difficult for some readers to take, but his ultimate message of hope and reconciliation is moving and inspiring. Highly recommended. (Library Journal )

“A gripping indictment of poverty and the foster-care system.” (Kirkus Reviews )

Jarvis Jay Masters was set on a dangerous course which eventually brought him to death row. Somehow, within those walls, he now demonstrates divine grace in his daily life and by the cautionary tale he shares within these pages. This amazing, wise man deserves our ear, and our support. (–Sister Helen Prejean, author of Dead Man Walking )

Jarvis Jay Masters’ moving memoir provides an intimate portrait of the tragic racial inequality in our justice system, and testifies to the need for better education, greater training, and increased opportunity to keep these forgotten youth from ending up in our nation’s juvenile centers and prisons. Read this book! (Van Jones, founder, The Ella Baker Center for Human Rights & Green for All, and author of Green Collar Economy )

“Masters’ intelligent, incisive prose paints a compelling depiction of the horrors leading to his situation . . . Masters gives us much to think about.” (Booklist )

“This brave account of a childhood ravaged by neglect, violence, and institutional indifference is remarkable for its utter lack of anger and bitterness. . . [Masters's] ultimate message of hope and reconciliation is moving and inspiring. Highly recommended.” (Library Journal )

All across America, boys are lost to trauma and deprivation. Few of them have given voice to their experience and the redemptive power of spirituality as has Jarvis Jay Masters. (James Garbarino, Ph.D., author of Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and What We Can Do About It )

Masters’ . . .ability to recognize, subdue and transform the self-destructive drive such life-denying forces promote is a lesson for us all. His time is now. His book is a testament to the human spirit.” (Mike Farrell, chair of Death Penalty Focus and author of Just Call Me Mike:A Journey to Actor and Activist and From Mule to Man )

A real-life The Wire-heartbreaking and harrowing, impossible to put down. A miraculous accomplishment, That Bird Has My Wings captivates, instructs, and inspires as Masters shows how enlightenment can occur even in a place as grim as San Quentin Prison’s death row. (David Sheff, author of Beautiful Boy )

Brave, heartbreaking, redemptive and wise. Jarvis Jay Masters has turned his life into remarkable good medicine. (Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart )

Forthright about his own failings, Masters’ truth has brought him reconciliation with his best self. His compelling memoir is a plea for reform, for a common humanity, and I share his hope that this moving story will redouble our efforts to make sure that every child matters. (Desmond Tutu )

Masters’ intelligent, incisive prose paints a compelling depiction of the horrors leading to his situation. . . . while awaiting execution, Masters gives us much to think about. (Booklist )

Want to bury dead dreams, dashed hopes, old habits or grudges? Begin again in 2010?

September 10th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]


Nothing Holding Me Back!

A New Year’s Eve 2009 Funeral Party and

January 2, 2010 Resurrection Workshop

Ready to let go of the old and bring in the new? Cemetery Mary and the visionary Resurrection Rai are going to reunite to put the “fun” back into funerals this New Year’s Eve and January 2 for a two-part transformational event, NOTHING HOLDING ME BACK!, which you can attend “live” or via webcast. On New Year’s Eve we will hold an open casket funeral so you can dump dead dreams, dashed hopes and disappointments — leave the dang things in 2009. On January 2, Resurrection Rai will guide us inward to discover what our spirits have in store for our growth and excitement in 2010. So save those dates, sign up for the mail list, Facebook, Twitter, whatever you can find on this site…and we will get you your special invitation. Times and locations to be announced.

Start thinking about what you are ready, willing, wanting, or being forced to let go of and STOP RESISTING. You’re going to need to make room for the good stuff that’s coming…

Rest in peace and good humor,

Cemetery Mary

Will this link make you happier?

July 7th in Antidepressposts [ No Comments ]

images-41Cemetery Mary has been enjoying wandering the grave sites in the sunshine, and as a result has not posted much on this blog. But today she realized she could simply plagarize a wonderful tip from Peter Shankman’s HARO (Help A Reporter Out) post. What does he advise?…

Be happy! is like a personal trainer for your happiness. They work with expert psychologists to develop science-backed tests and tools to measure, track and improve happiness. And it’s all online. Heard of positive psychology? This is the leading source for positive psychology tools, tests and videos from exclusive consultants like Dr. Martin Seligman. Almost 30,000 people have already joined to take free happiness, optimism, strengths and positivity tests and use science-backed tools to do-away with grudges, improve mood, and find more meaning in their lives.  And now, coaches and positive psychology practitioners are joining the directory to reach more clients and increase business. Want to be happier? Join for free at

Let’s check it out.images-21